Hey listen, I love my kids. Heck, Christian has only been around for 5 months and I already have a hard time remembering what things were like before he got here. He’s awesome.
Maybe I should be more specific though. I love my kids, individually.
You know how when Earth, Wind, Fire, Water and Heart would combine to form Captain Planet – He’s our hero, gonna take pollution down to zero, he’s our powers, magnified, and he’s fighting on the Planet’s side –( I totally just did that without googling the lyrics by the way). Well, Sariah and Christian are very similar. Their powers combined make them much stronger than just two kids. Their neediness somehow grows exponentially. It really defies all current understanding of natural law and mathematics and chemistry and physics and other junk that I ignored in High School.
Let’s take an example scenario:
We’re watching a show or something while Cristina is at the gym. Christian becomes bored with sitting in his bouncer and starts to fuss… so I pick him up and place him on my (currently empty) lap. Sariah, out of the corner of her eye, sees this little interaction play out.
Now, up until this point she has expressed ZERO desire to sit on my empty lap. In fact, if I had picked her up and set her down on my lap, she would probably have squirmed away immediately– indignant that I had the gall to snatch her away from her apple slices (which she meticulously nibbles away at right up until the skin, which she discards. This might make sense until you notice her doing the same thing with apple slices from Subway that have been peeled and sliced already. Nibbles right up to the edge and discards the skinless outer rim of the slice… what the –?)
Anyway, Sariah sees me pick up Christian and she begins the Captain Planet merge by subtly making her way over to me and trying to climb up on my lap.
“Sariah, Daddy can’t hold you right now”
“Whyyyyy” (this noise, supposedly an adverb culled from the English language, is actually more of a high pitched nasal emanation designed to pierce the eardrum of an adult male father like the spear of Achilles through an unlucky Trojan)
“Because I have baby Christian and he is going to get upset if I put him down”
Right on cue, Christian joins in the Captain Planet process and begins to struggle because Sariah is pushing him out of teh way to prove that there is room for both of them. The crying from him is imminent now. The only way to stop it is to get him a bottle, and fast. I stand up and in the process bump Sariah. She instantly moves into soccer player mode and drops to the floor dramatically clutching at her leg. Now the crying is in full effect. Her cries, of course, startle Christian who was already on the edge.
Captain Planet merge is complete. Two kids have melted down completely and it takes a Herculean effort (read: Reese’s Pieces) to begin extricating their entwined bad behavior.
The flip side of this is that occasionally, they will merge their powers for good and magically wash away any history of criminal child behavior. For example: