Dear Sariah, you totally owe me…

Dear Sariah,

Over the course of three days last weekend, I assembled, piece by grueling piece, your bedroom furniture set. Second only to the La Lakers practically gift-wrapping Shaquille O’Neal to the Miami Heat, this will likely rank as one of the greatest acts of charity in the last decade, nay, century.

Because of this singular act of kindness, I have surreptitiously claimed the right to make totally unfair rulings on things like: Your clothes, your friends, your boyfriends, your college, your hobbies and your music collection. You see Sariah, I have the trump card. I envision some future conversation going like this:

Pregnancy & Birthing Class (3 of 4)

Tuesday night we finished another 25% of our pregnancy & birthing class. This time we learned about interventions (see: “…things that can go wrong in labor and the clinical solutions”).

Now, I’m no doctor. Quite the contrary, I basically sell rocks for a living. To help my comprehension, I have tried to dumb everything down for myself (and consequently for all of you). So without further ado, please enjoy my take on labor interventions:

Blogs I read regularly…

I don’t know why I am writing this post. I just thought of it and decided to do it. Upcoming posts to look forward to are: Putting together baby furniture, Pregnancy/Birthing Class 3 of 4, Maternity Pictures and, of course, more cowbell. 

And now, my list of regularly visited blogs/websites

Pregnancy & Birthing Class (2 of 4)

Before I begin with the whole story here, let me first say that I didn’t have the reaction to the birthing video that everyone is probably hoping for. You know, the appalled, nauseous, light-headed, disgusted, reaction that you might expect the average man to have the first time he sees close up footage of a baby’s head being shoved violently through a strange woman’s va-hmm-hem. So if you are looking forward to hearing me bemoan how discomforted I was, you can put aside your petty schadenfreude and relax and enjoy the story…

Sariah? Or Beckham?

As of this morning we are considering changing Sariah’s name to David Beckham.

For those of you who don’t know the significance of the Beckham name, here’s a quick summary from Wikipedia:

David Beckham, is an English professional football (soccer) midfielder who is the captain of Major League Soccer’s Los Angeles Galaxy. He is also currently a member of the England national team.

He was chosen runner-up for FIFA World Player of the Year twice, and as recently as 2004 was the world’s highest-paid footballer. He was Google’s most searched of all sports topics in both 2003 and 2004.

There was even a movie a while ago starring Kiera Knightley called “Bend it like Beckham”, a reference to his uncanny ability to make an airborne soccer ball curve out and around the goalkeeper and then come back into the net.

Astute observers will see the point that I am beginning to make here:

Sariah can kick with a power matched only by world-class soccer players. This morning Cristina tried to lay on her side for a short time… BAM! So Cristina had to sit up. Unfortunately I think this may be teaching Sariah early on that violence is the answer to life’s problems.

Is Mommy leaning forward too far? It’s okay, just kick her and she’ll move.

Is Mommy squishing you by laying on her side? It’s okay, just kick her harder… yep she moved again.

What’s that you say, little Timmy won’t give you the Jell-O from his lunch? Just kick him, He’ll hand it over

Does the Sammy the Fish want you to pay up the money you owe him? It’s okay, just put his feet in a couple of concrete blocks and kick him over the edge of the boat.

So we can clearly see the kinds of destructive behaviors we can teach our kids even as they are in the womb. Luckily I was able to recognize this awful pattern before it developed in Sariah and inevitably led to her becoming a ruthless mobster. I better go now so I can explain this to Cristina. Because honestly there is nothing more embarrassing than  sitting down with all your old friends and talking about your kids…

“My little Timmy is an accountant.”

“Well Jake has become a dentist.”

“Oh how nice for your boys. Sariah is actually one of the most feared mob bosses in American History and recently had a record high month of 8 million laundered dollars. She’s really broken through the gender barrier in that industry. We’re very proud”

Pregnancy & Birthing Class (1 of 4)

Tuesday night was the first in a series of four classes Cristina and I will be attending for the next few weeks. I’m not sure what the official name of the class is but from what I understand, it’s supposed to be a pretty straight-forward look at the physiological aspects of pregnancy, labor and delivery. Additionally they mix in little sneak peeks at various other birthing disciplines (such as the famous “Lamaze”)

Frankly, I’m a bit perplexed as to why I am being dragged along to these classes. I’m not sure if anyone has noticed, but I am neither pregnant nor planning on giving birth in my lifetime. It’s like taking a flying class when you don’t have an airplane. Without those wings, you ain’t gonna fly no matter how many classes you take or how much you learn about crosswinds, horizons, and landing gear.

The Hospital Tour

We just toured the Maternity ward of the Inland Valley Medical Center.

You could say that as hospitals go, this one is — to quote the movie Aladdin — something of a “Diamond in the rough.”

But if you said that, you would be lying.

Pond scum (Reprint)

This is another article from a Mormon blog I founded and ran for about a year and a half and have since left in the hands of other, more capable writers. I’m going to be reposting a series of my old posts here because I want Sariah to see how misguided and silly her father was when he was young.

I have always been something of an absent-minded procrastinator. I thought maybe I could make up a new word for this malady. I started with “Abstinator”. Then I realized that only sounds like a heroic virgin. (“Everyone look, The Abstinator is here to save us all!”)

Reprints

This article is from a Mormon blog I founded and ran for about a year and a half and have since left in the hands of other, more capable writers. I’m going to be reposting a series of my old posts here because I want Sariah to see how misguided and silly her father was when he was young.

Sunbeams

I have developed a new illness. It’s called “sunbeam syndrome”. It’s a very serious neurological condition. I’ve written this post to retrace the causes and the effects of this disorder to serve as a notification to those who might be susceptible to acquiring this malady…