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Pregnancy & Birthing Class (1 of 4)

August 16, 2007

Tuesday night was the first in a series of four classes Cristina and I will be attending for the next few weeks. I’m not sure what the official name of the class is but from what I understand, it’s supposed to be a pretty straight-forward look at the physiological aspects of pregnancy, labor and delivery. Additionally they mix in little sneak peeks at various other birthing disciplines (such as the famous “Lamaze”)

Frankly, I’m a bit perplexed as to why I am being dragged along to these classes. I’m not sure if anyone has noticed, but I am neither pregnant nor planning on giving birth in my lifetime. It’s like taking a flying class when you don’t have an airplane. Without those wings, you ain’t gonna fly no matter how many classes you take or how much you learn about crosswinds, horizons, and landing gear.


All that aside, our first birthing class was about 90% boring and about 10% informational. The instructor spent some time introducing herself and then spent a lot of time having all 17 or 18 couples introduce themselves and vent some of their pregnancy gripes.

After all that fluff, we finally got to the useful stuff… That’s when the posters came out.

Yikes.

Let me just say this: One time I was changing the serpentine belt on my Jeep. If you have never changed a serpentine belt, the process is relatively basic. You just have to start looping the belt around several wheels in the engine compartment. It is pretty easy until you get to the last wheel. You see, the belt is held onto this series of wheels by nothing more than tension. This means that the last wheel is just a little bit further than the serpentine belt will reach. To finish the job you have to pullllllllll 0n the belt while trying to slide it over the edge of that last wheel.

The cost of replacing my serpentine belt was thus:

  • One belt: 34.95+tax
  • One wrench: 12.99+ tax
  • 73 minutes
  • Three knuckles
  • Approximately 4 oz. of blood
  • My dignity
  • My patience
  • My temper
  • Some sideways glances from innocent passers-by outside of Kragen Auto parts as I made use of several choice words usually reserved for sailors and rap music.

My point is this: I had to stretch that serpentine belt about 4 millimeters and by the time I was done I was considering building a time machine so that I could travel back to the 20’s, search out Henry Ford, knock on his door and when he answered the door, punch him in the face.

Our teacher announced that Cristina has to stretch 10 millimeters.

Have you ever heard how female Black Widows kill the male after mating? I now understand why, and in small measure, wonder if I’ll ever see the age of 27

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5 comments

  1. Oh man, sometimes it’s good to be a guy… One wonders if passing a kidney stone approximates the pain of stretching. Let’s hope I never find out…


  2. My husband is just so funny. I have since told him that he as to attend this classes because when the time comes I am not going to remeber anything we have been taught. This means I am going to have to rely on him to remind me what we learned. This does worry me a little because the few times I glaced his way during class he was drawing pictures in the book we were given. So I guess we will just have to wait and see how it goes, keep your fingers crossed.


  3. when it comes down to it I don’t know if either of you will remember what you have been taught. I have been through 2 of these and neither went according to the class.

    On a side note. Ryan most vehicles have a bolt that you loosen that brings the last wheel down to a reasonable level to slip belt over then you tighten it back up… next time call.


  4. Actually on the jeep, the last wheel is spring loaded, but you need a particular tool to get good leverage on the spring. Since I was doing it in front of Kragen, the best thing I could get was a long ratcheting wrench. It didn’t work quite so well.


  5. Ryan, you are such a baby. You are going to these classes because you love your wife, now stop whining about it and be supportive, you geek! That’s all I have to say, except that if you coach your wife through childbirth the way you handled your Jeep, you deserve to be eaten like a black widow.



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