Pregnancy & Birthing Class (3 of 4)

August 29, 2007

Tuesday night we finished another 25% of our pregnancy & birthing class. This time we learned about interventions (see: “…things that can go wrong in labor and the clinical solutions”).

Now, I’m no doctor. Quite the contrary, I basically sell rocks for a living. To help my comprehension, I have tried to dumb everything down for myself (and consequently for all of you). So without further ado, please enjoy my take on labor interventions:

  1. Pitocin is a liquid medication that is a synthetic form of the naturally occurring hormone, oxytocin. It is diluted with a standard saline solution and introduced by IV drip. In short, Pitocin is like crack-cocaine for your uterus. Seriously, the stuff (theoretically) kicks contractions into a volatile high gear. The downside is that for months afterward your uterus sneaks money from your wallet and steals your stuff to support it’s new pitocin-crack habit. A very awkward situation indeed.
  2. Epidurals are a species of miniature dwarf. When using epidurals, the anesthesiologist (latin for: “One who studies and harvests dwarves”) will insert a small tube into the spinal column of the mother. These miniature dwarves enter the spinal area via the tube and set up detour signs in the nerve highway. When pain signals travel towards the brain, they are re-routed by the detour signs into the appendix. In the appendix, the pain signals are converted into swear words and stored until the next time the mother stubs her toe.
  3. The Vacuum. Sometimes a child will get stuck on the way down the birth canal. This is usually because they have packed too much carry-on luggage. The vacuum is used to grab the top of the head and pull the baby out. The main complication associated with the vacuum is that sometimes the doctor will miss the head and end up pulling on the baby’s neck. This, of course, results in a hickey. The child is then branded as either a tramp (if a girl) or a stud (if a boy). This unfair labeling is prematurely judgmental, ideologically sexist, and blatantly misogynist (although realistically it is rather accurate)
  4. The C-section (aka, “the chinese take-out”). A C-section is the most drastic intervention and usually a measure of last resort in which vaginal birth is bypassed and the baby is pulled through an incision made just under the bikini line. The name C-Section is a shortened version of “Cesarean section” which is a butchered Anglican spelling of the original Caesarean Section, so named after the great Roman emperor Caesar. Caesar was best known for a. inventing a delicious salad and b. being killed by the knife wielding Brutus. The procedure was named after Caesar because the doctor who invented it had just ordered a delicious grilled chicken Caesar salad from the hospital cafeteria when he was called to the birthing room. After several failed attempts at delivering, the starving doctor finally just cut a hole, pulled the baby out and rushed back to his waiting meal. True story.

So that is pretty much what we learned.

Oh, one more thing I learned: If you sign up to bring snacks to Pregnancy & Birthing class, don’t buy something yummy from Costco with the intent to take the remaining snack packages home with you. Pregnant women are similar to ravenous wolves. They will eat all of your yummy snacks and send you home with a tattered box, an empty stomach, and shattered dreams.

Goodbye Cinnamon flavored Teddy Grahams… we hardly knew ye.


One comment

  1. It was a very informative class, I enjoyed it. Although I was very sad when we did not have any FigNewtons or Teddy Grahams left.

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