Pregnancy & Birthing Class (4 of 4)

September 8, 2007

So we finished our class on Tuesday night. We started off with a review session. This included discussion of:

  • Breathing techniques (because apparently I’ve been doing it all wrong for the past 26 years and have thus narrowly escaped suffering from bouts of random asphyxiation)
  • Stages of Labor (“It’s coming!” , “It hurts!”, and “It’s here!”)
  • Interventions (Including a guest appearance by an anesthesiologist who explained exactly why he makes two brazillion* dollars a year, and how he spends it.)

Following the anesthesiologist and the review, we moved into the final topic of our class: Postpartum. The postpartum subtopics were:

Bleeding – Clinically, this a very reasonable and easily anticipated occurrence. To combat the several days (weeks?) of follow-up bleeding, the hospital provides some pads to use and even a couple to take home. These are basically industrial strength absorbent pads. To display their spectacular absorbency, I found this picture for you:

Bottom (our teacher’s euphemism for butt) – I want to avoid getting too graphic here. That is all.

Boobs – We didn’t really talk about boobs that much. Really it was just an opportunity for our teacher to promote her breastfeeding class.

Blues – “Baby Blues” usually set in about a week after the birth of the baby. By this time the excitement of having a house-guest has waned. The child has now overstayed her welcome and has made it clear she does not plan to go anywhere soon. This is depressing. The concept might be a bit more manageable if it weren’t combined with the fact that after a week, the mother still cannot fit into pre-pregnancy outfits. It’s really a recipe for disaster. If the wife develops a case of Baby Blues, the husband is advised to say motivating things to her like “You need to exercise more.” and “What exactly do you do all day while I’m working?”

Baby – We discussed the time immediately after the baby pops out when everyone but the Mom and Dad are booted from the delivery room by a pushy nurse. During this time, Cristina can bond with the baby, tidy up the delivery room and start addressing birth announcements while I rest from the exertions of being a labor coach.

With that stuff out of the way, we all sat on the floor so the women could practice pushing while the men practiced not getting light-headed and fainting. I was particularly adept at maintaining my composure. This is because, in general, I am awesome.

Upcoming Posts: Dr. Byrne (Cristina’s OB/GYN); Photos (sorry we’ve been slacking, but we’ll have a bunch to post soon); The baby shower (woo-hoo free stuff!); More clips from “Arrested Development”

* President Bush was approached by a member of his cabinet who said, “Mr. President, 12 Brazilian soldiers were killed in Iraq yesterday”.
The president was visibly shaken and put his head in his hands while he sobbed over the sad news, finally he looked up at the cabinet member and, wiping his eyes, said:

“This is terrible, how many is a Brazilian?”


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