Sariah belongs on Heroes.

October 14, 2007

If you’ve never seen the show “Heroes” before, watch this brief intro…

So why does Sariah belong on Heroes? Well, I have pinpointed a quirk that I believe is an early manifestation of superpower:

After each of her many nighttime feedings, I take her away from Cristina and wander around the house rocking her to sleep. This takes me a good 15-30 minutes. When I am absolutely certain that she has settled into a deep sleep, I very carefully sidle up to her bassinet and slowly place her inside it. This is a tricky maneuver which requires an incredible amount of patience, dexterity and fluidity of movement.

I suspect that NASA might want to look into hiring stay-at-home moms to operate the space shuttle robotic arm in a zero-gravity environment (which I am sure requires less patience than putting a sleeping baby into a crib).

After I have deftly placed Sariah, I stand back and enter what I call “The Red Zone”. This is that crucial moment which determines whether Sariah will adjust to her new position while sleeping or if she will subconsciously detect and register the change in altitude, vector and pitch. If the changes are detected, the result is an immediate awakening with accompanying tears and screams.

During my time in “The Red Zone” I stand completely still. For upwards of 5 minutes I do not blink or breathe. The room is deathly silent as I attempt to avoid adding any extra stimuli to her subconscious. In my mind I am slowly calculating various sleep indicators, including but not limited to:

  • Eyelid movement
  • Breathing patterns
  • Motion in the limbs
  • Heart rate
  • Involuntary vocalizations

Once I have determined ( through a complicated sleep indicator algorithm) that she has settled down to a good slumber, I make my move, quickly and efficiently. I start by rotating 46 degrees counter-clockwise and swinging my arm towards the lamp. I am careful to not swing my arm too fast or too high lest I create a breeze that would stir her from her rest. Once I have reached the switch on the lamp, I smother it with my hand while turning the dial. This noise reduction technique camouflages the click of the switch as best as can be hoped for.

This environmental change from light to dark pulls me back into the Red Zone and I only initiate “Operation Tuck-myself-in” after I have once again gone through the sleep indicator algorithm.

Like a ninja, I silently slide between the sheets, taking care to avoid any squeaking springs. Then I slowly lower my head and close my eyes. This is where Sariah’s superpower comes in.

I think that somehow, through some type of super hearing, she can hear my eyelids close. In that moment, as she begins to cry – I realize that all my swift and silent movements, my careful calculations and my precision choreography have all been a waste. She was never sleeping. She was faking. It’s just a practical joke that she delights in playing. By using her super-hearing, she knows the exact moment when I have finally gone through every painstaking task and have finally closed my eyes for some sleep. That’s when she lets loose with her cries and I have to jump back up and begin the process all over again.

We’ll see who gets the last laugh though. In the show Heroes, the invincible cheerleader’s father does all he can to protect his super daughter from the authorities. Not me. I’m turning her in.



  1. Hahahahahaha. So true! I can just feel that awful pit of the stomach feeling when you close your eyes and the crying starts… nooooo.

  2. LOL I’m not laughing at you, honest! I’m laughing with you! 😉

    Ahhh, the memories… Good luck!

    P.S. I LOVE Heroes!!! We DVR every episode. lol

  3. Oh man….troubles with sleep are the WORST! I’m telling you —it may take a day or two but it is WAY worth it to get her to fall asleep on her own…by putting her down asleep. Hmmm. Good luck with that….I became successful last week wahoo!! He was falling asleep on his own until we stopped swaddling him and then we had to start all over. So funny though how I totally relate to the stealth sliding into bed manuver.

  4. Yes yes I remember the sleeping issues. *sighs* It does end, I promise. But, since I am 3 years too late on this post, I am sure you know that by now.

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