As if…

June 3, 2008

As if she wasn’t a big enough diva already, Sariah seems to be on her way to becoming a model. There’ll be no living with her now.

Explanation – Part A: My sister (well, as close as you can get to being a sister anyway) takes professional photos, and has been taking lots of photos of Sariah since before she was even born (maternity photos). So we have a pretty large stock of great looking pictures of our daughter. A lot of them are studio shots but others are just candid photos taken at family gatherings, Susan just has a good eye for shooting pictures.

Explanation – Part B: Sariah gets a decent amount of compliments when she is out amongst what will now be known as “the common-folk”. As a result of the compliments, Cristina started getting pretty convinced that we had a reasonably pretty little girl. I have always been quick to dismiss most of the compliments as something people say to be polite and because most babies are cute just by virtue of being a baby, not because they are particularly “good-looking”.

Also, I think Sariah is devastatingly ugly.

I’m Just kidding, I don’t think her face is ugly, just her personality.

Just kidding again.

I think my daughter is devastatingly beautiful but I didn’t want us to be some naive parents who gush on and on about how our kid is sooooo cute while the rest of the world is just shaking their heads and thinking: “Ummm, not so much.”

Anyway, Cristina was over-the-edge convinced when some old lady told us that Sariah should be a baby model — because nobody knows the competitive baby modeling world like an old lady in the Murrieta 99 cent store.

So we sent in some photos to two agencies. One Is an agency that Susan (the photographer mentioned above) had sent some photos of some local twins to. The agency recently got them cast on the show “According to Jim”. I mention that the casting was recent because I don’t want any of you to blame these local twins for the fact that the show “According to Jim”… is an entertainment trainwreck.  

Cristina got a call yesterday. Sariah has her first paid booking. She is going down to San Diego today to take photos for some type of baby carrier. She is going to be paid $13,000.00

Whoops, that was a typo. I meant to say 100 dollars. Apparently the way this works is that they are taking pictures of two babies. If the client chooses the photos of Sariah, she will get an additional 200 dollars, if she isn’t chosen, we will remind of her for the rest of her life that she is “Mommy’s little disappointment”.

If things do go well for her, all of her earnings will go to support my gambling habits and Cristina’s alchohol addiction, so we are pretty excited about that. Regardless of whether her pictures are chosen, I plan to immediately begin enforcing the following rules:

  1. Her diet will now be restricted to Salsa and Celery. I will also encourage to her to snort cocaine as this contributes to weight loss.
  2. No more late nights with the older boys from the nursery. 
  3. Our pediatrician will be replaced by a stylist
  4. We will begin interviewing children to be part of her entourage. If you would like your child to be considered, please mail your headshots along with a 75 dollar “consideration fee”. Additional fees will be discussed if your child is chosen.    

Disclaimer: Dear Child Protective Services, the stuff I just wrote about cocaine, alcohol, gambling and celery was just a joke. We actually intend to just put everything she makes into some sort of college fund. This way, if any of our other kids don’t get modeling jobs, we can tell them that their student loans are the equivalent of an ugly tax. This is especially ironic because if Sariah continues to be pretty as she gets older, she won’t even need college, she’ll just marry some rich dude as soon as she graduates high school.  



  1. I thought that being part of an entourage made the money flow the other direction… I mean if you aren’t paying for my ride, why would I be in your entourage?

  2. Fame.

  3. Congrats to beautiful Sariah. I know I am guilty of gushing about her beauty to you so because I subconciously encouraged you to send in her headshots, I will take a 1% cut of whatever she makes.
    Oh and thank you for the disclaimer b/c Lance was about to call CPS.
    You have such a witty sense of humor!

  4. Wrong. Just so wrong.

    Ha ha just kidding, that was a really funny post!

  5. I always knew Sariah would go far. Me and her go way back. In fact, she is one of my best friends…

  6. That’s right, Tami is my BFF. I owe all my sucess to our friendship, thanks girlfriend!!

  7. Your posts are sooo funny. However I like the disclaimer because if someone read this and didn’t know what a great dad you are, CPS would be at your door in a hearbeat.

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