Archive for September, 2008

h1

What a disaster!

September 25, 2008

You know, one of the cardinal rules, when making fun of someone, is to get the joke right. This is because the circular reference created by being an idiot in the very act of pointing out another person’s idiocy will lead to an infinite self-referencing loop of stupid. The suction created by this vortex will capture any cool-ness you try to exude and suck it into itself (only making it stronger in the process).

Such is the case here, on this very blog!

Don’t panic, your coolness (or attempts thereof) will not be affected by my own vortex of stupid. But just for my sake, I’ll show you the idiocy gaffe that I am talking about here:

In an earlier post, I was gleefully mocking Sarah Palin with a joke about her joke…

Q: You know the difference between a bulldog and a hockey mom?

A: One is a canine with a violent reputation and the other is a construct of a society quick to segregate and label it’s members. Oh, wait… I’m being told that the answer is actually: lipstick.

Yeah, I said “bulldog”. The joke originally used”pitbull”. So I have now totally unfairly maligned the reputation of the docile and friendly (albeit ugly and snorty) bulldog. This is what one gets when blogging after midnight. I need to invent some kind of ‘roided out version of spellchecker that can detect what you meant to say and can correct these kinds of errors before they are ever published to the world. 

I believe the moral of the story here is simply this: Don’t be a dum-dum… you know, like me.

h1

Moving right along

September 22, 2008

Well, we put it off for as long as possible – but today we finally made the switch to a forward facing car seat for Sariah. We understand that now, in the event of a head-on (apply directly to forehead) collision, she will be able to see everything as it occurs and therefore will be a more reliable eye-witness when we attempt to sue for imaginary maladies like “emotional trauma”, “whiplash”, and “irritable bowel syndrome” as direct consequences of the accident.

Since my Mother-in-law is an attorney (see also: “why I will never file for divorce”) we can start prepping Sariah’s testimony now. Won’t she just beam with pride in the years to come as she reads through her baby book and learns that among her first words were: “uh-oh”, “mama”, “at-fault”, and “illegal left turn on a double yellow line”. Oh the simple joys that come from raising (and exploiting) a child.

But enough legal mumbo-jumbo. It’s kind of sad to be packing away her infant car seat. After all, this is the car seat that carried her home from the hospital for the very first time. It has traveled with us to Arizona and Montana, it has held our little girl snug and secure for hours and hours as an impromptu bed during late nights out at the homes of friends and family. We have washed it several times and it has come out clean and essentially stainless — impressively shedding the abuse of milk and cheerios and blow-outs and spit-ups. Packing it away now is a tacit admission that the infant years of our first-born have passed away and although we will have other children and will experience the excitements and joys and frustrations all over again, it will never be our “first”… ever. And so putting the seat away for a season is kind of poignant isn’t it?

Of course, maybe I’m just being sentimental because I had a huge glass of milk before writing this, and maybe I’m milk drunk.

h1

Because I care about our schools…

September 20, 2008

Temecula Valley, CA… home to endless rolling vineyards laden with drooping bunches of aromatic grapes. Home to a majestic summer parade of multi-colored hot air balloons silently drifting across the fiery sunset sky. Home to rowdy Marines drunkenly whooping it up in a pair of grotesquely tight wrangler jeans and prancing around the country western bar dance floor in imitation leather pointy-toed boots.

Hey, it ain’t all gumdrops and loliipops around here.

Anyway, Temecula is my hometown. My daughter was born here and will probably spend a large majority of her young life here. This means that she will walk and talk, play and pray, eat and… greet… here in this town, under the influence of our community leaders.

And who are those leaders? Well, I pretty much have no idea. In fact, until late this afternoon, I could not have named a single civic leader for the City of Temecula. It’s not that I don’t care, it’s just that I… well… I… guess I just don’t care.

Huh… that’s odd — I could have sworn that politics interested me. I mean, I follow national politics pretty closely. I even follow politics at a state level. Yet the names of the leaders of my own hometown have eluded me. Well, all that is going to change, starting now. I now know the name of one candidate for the Temecula Valley School Board (although, to be honest, I’m not sure if he is actually running for, like, President of the school board or if he is just trying to be a member of the board. It’s a minute detail that we can all hash out later on, after the election or something.) That name, by the way, is Allen Pulsipher and I endorse him for whatever it is he is running for.

Now you may think that is a rather silly endorsement. Perhaps you fancy that a person making an endorsement ought to know exactly what they are endorsing. Well, you’re wrong. Let’s be honest here, local government is not exactly akin to piecing together a unified string theory that can resolve the deepest mysteries of quantum physics. Knowing what know about small-time politics, I can pretty confidently endorse Allen Pulsipher whom I know to excel at pretty much every endeavor he seeks to endeavor upon… endeavorishly….and so forth… The guy is an Oral and maxillofacial surgeon for pete’s sake. I mean, can you even pronounce Oral and maxillilililiofacial surgery correctly? (The answer is: No. You can’t). Someone who practices a disclipine that can’t even be pronounced has credential enough for me.  

In all seriousness, I know Allen and he’s a good guy, with a lot of brains, a lot of integrity and a lot of experience (which suddenly seems to be all the rage in the presidential elections) 

And now, if I may close with a little joke we have here in Temecula… Do you know the difference between a pit bull and an Oral and maxillofacial surgery? The pitbull doesn’t charge a co-pay.

Thank you!

To learn more about Allen’s plan for our schools, visit his website at www.allenpulsipher.com… and then vote for him on November 4th.

h1

Sariah’s world

September 18, 2008

After posting on Prop 8, I thought maybe Sariah would be interested (in several years when she can read and comprehend these old blog posts) to hear what kinds of events are going on while she is oblivious to the outside world and is primarily concerned with whether or not I will let her have one of her two favorite snacks (honey-wheat pretzel sticks and frozen Go-gurts) for lunch.

Here is some of the latest news:

  • The Large Hadron Collider (LHC) went online a couple days ago amid protests that smashing sub-atomic protons through a pipe the size of a firehose deep underground will somehow bring about a cataclysmic end to our universe. This is patently ridiculous because the earth has survived much, much worse including solar radiation storms, volcanoes, continental drift, meteors and Lindsay Lohan.
  • Sarah Palin has made waves as McCain’s relatively unknown and inexperienced conservative Republican Vice Presidential candidate from Alaska. Her signature joke is:

Q: You know the difference between a bulldog and a hockey mom?

A: One is a canine with a violent reputation and the other is a construct of a society quick to segregate and label it’s members. Oh, wait… I’m being told that the answer is actually: lipstick.

  • Wall Street was pummeled early this week as several of the nation’s major investment banks, financial insurers and lenders collapsed and were either bailed out by the US government or acquired by larger firms for pennies on the dollar. Luckily, due to a diversified investment strategy, we have not lost any money. Our money is being held in places like: my wallet, under our mattress, in our bank and at Jack in the Box…
h1

On a more serious note…

September 17, 2008

**Update: Thanks to those who posted civil responses. Unfortunately due to some inflammatory/abusive comments, I had to delete everything and close the comment thread. If you have questions about putting the “Yes on 8” logo onto your own blog or if you want to send me inflammatory  and derisive messages, click here for my contact information**

Well, I try to keep this blog pretty light-hearted, but occasionally we have to get down to serious business, or as the bishop from The Princess Bride would say: Mawage, Mawage is whut bwings us togeva today.

Specifically Gay Mawage.. err.. marriage. Now before I get all argumentative, I should preface this by mentioning that several important people in my life are gay-diddly-ay, and frankly I don’t have the time, energy, or inclination to worry about who they think looks good in lingerie (for those of you keeping score at home, the correct answer is Jessica Biel– Jessica Biel looks good in lingerie). I just don’t find it very useful to make sexual preference a determinant factor in friendship

“But Ryan, if that’s true, why do you have a big logo supporting Prop 8 on your website?! After all, Prop 8 makes gay marriages illegal by constitutional amendment. If you’re so friendly with gay people why are you supporting a measure that denies them equal rights? ”

Well, Nosy Nicholas, it goes something like this: I live in a set of societies. The smallest one being my little family. Here, in our home, my wife and I make decisions about how to best run our home. Beyond my family I live in a condo complex governed by a dictatorial money grubbing regime Homeowners Association which is (in theory) run by the homeowners, including me. Beyond that is the City of Temecula, County of Riverside, State of California, etc… Each society, mostly due to the freedoms afforded by the United States founding documents, follows a similar pattern. This pattern is that either through elected officials, judges or just direct popular vote legislation, the people mold society, not some monarch or military junta. The majority opinion is generally what is carried out.

Now, I have a firm belief that the ideal foundation of a society is the family structure as seen in “Leave it to Beaver”. Mom, Dad, Kids. I want the society in which I live and in which I raise my children to reflect this value and I want the governing bodies of my society to reinforce this value in education and in legislation. This is my right, because this society belongs, in part,  to me. I know that many gay rights groups are fighting Prop 8. That’s okay because this is their society too and they have a right to try and have their values reinforced.

So that’s why I added the Protect Marriage logo.

h1

Some new talents

September 14, 2008

Well, Sariah has learned a few new tricks since I last wrote here. We started off by teaching her how to walk heel-to-toe in a straight line and to say the alphabet backwards. We did this so that if we ever get pulled over for drunk driving, we can throw her in the driver’s seat and claim she was the designated driver (she, of course, would be sober because she is too young to hold a beer can by herself and I hear that drinking it from a sippy cup ruins the flavor).

Okay enough of that nonsense. You guys are ridiculous. Seriously…

  1. Sariah started standing on her own a couple weeks ago and about three days ago she started walking around while pushing a device that looks kind of like a walker for old people. We are hoping she will be walking independently in time for her one year birthday on the 27th. If you are reading this, you are more than welcome to stop by our place on that date and see if she is actually walking or if she has once again demonstrated the accuracy of her current moniker: “Daddy’s little disappointment”. Also, if you are the gambling type, the odds are currently at 5 to 1 that she will be walking on, or before the 27th. You can place your bets by calling me and uttering the phrase “the duck flies at midnight”.
  2. Sariah has also recently started appreciating some of the finer things in life. You know,  a good cuban cigar, well-manicured nails, 17th-century impressionism, and Teletubbies. Now, I have heard some critics non-chalantly demean the Teletubbies by suggesting that the program is “mindless drivel”, or that the main characters are “creepy-loooking” or “gay”. But let me say this: they make her stop crying immediately and maintain her rapt attention for upwards of twenty minutes. They have also taught her to say “bye-bye” and “uh-oh”. Last time I checked, none of the Teletubbies critics have taught Sariah to say any words – so their critiques will be falling on deaf ears. Specifically, my deaf ears.
  3. Lastly, Sariah now has two lower front teeth. Now, I know that some of you out there are saying “Hey Ryan, growing teeth isn’t exactly a talent”. Of course, my answer to that is: “Shut your face”. Which should help clarify my position on the matter. 

So anyway that’s a little bit of insight into our home. We have some vacation photos from our trip to Montana that we know you’ll love seeing. Unfortunately we still haven’t had a chance to go through them so it/you will have to wait. Until then, enjoy this video of Tina Fey impersonating Sarah Palin on Saturday Night Live recently. It’s ridiculously accurate!

h1

I was in prison… maybe?

September 10, 2008

I hate writing these posts. You know the posts where I finally return to the blog after about a month or two of total authoring delinquency. I always vacillate between getting really defensive and snarky about how I was justified in not carving out a few minutes for a quick update (even though I somehow managed to find time to watch the last three episodes of Prison Break, every episode of The Daily Show and go see The Dark Knight for the second time, along with many other diversions) and being really apologetic about my authoring apathy.

I have therefore determined that I will just start lying about the reasons I haven’t been writing and replacing my lame excuses for completely justifiable (albeit false) explanations. For example: During this most recent hiatus, I tried desperately to get to a computer so that I could eke out a quick breakdown of Sariah’s most recent accomplishments. Unfortunately, I was locked in the solitary confinement unit (or: “little black box” as it was known to my fellow convicts) in a Federal Penitentary because I was framed for the murder of an influential Tibetan villager by a conglomerate of world leaders known as “The Conglomerate”. This super secret organization consists of: Michael Jackson, Bill Gates, Sarah Palin, Lindsay Lohan and Juan Valdez (yes, the selfsame Juan Valdez of Columbian Coffee fame). 

During my solitary lock-up I was, through Meditation, Yoga, Pilates, ab-crunches, and high speed blinking, able to focus my mind and distill my primary objectives down to two specific items. Namely, (1) get out of prison to clear my name and (2) write a post on the blog. I cannot reveal exactly how I escaped from the penitentary because i do not want to reveal my methods to those who are rightfully incarcerated, I’ll just say It was really cool and involved a horseshoe, three honey-wheat pretzel sticks and an unopened package of Sea Monkeys.

Now that I am out, the only way to clear my name is to infiltrate “the Conglomerate” by paddling a sea kayak out to the offshore yacht where they hold their super secret meetings. I cannot guarantee my safety because “The Conglomerate” has operatives everywhere. In fact, I found three of them in my couch cushions just the other day. So, reader, this is where you come in. If something happens to me, “The Conglomerate” must be stopped by going to their yacht which is located at the the following coordin-

***TRANSMISSION TERMINATED — CARRIER LOST***

(Was that too weird? I have an active imagination and I once I get started on a halfway decent lie, I have to let it keep growing. You know what they say, “Go big or go home”.  Maybe I should just go back to simply apologizing for not keeping up on the blog. It might be a little more bearable to read.)