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I was in prison… maybe?

September 10, 2008

I hate writing these posts. You know the posts where I finally return to the blog after about a month or two of total authoring delinquency. I always vacillate between getting really defensive and snarky about how I was justified in not carving out a few minutes for a quick update (even though I somehow managed to find time to watch the last three episodes of Prison Break, every episode of The Daily Show and go see The Dark Knight for the second time, along with many other diversions) and being really apologetic about my authoring apathy.

I have therefore determined that I will just start lying about the reasons I haven’t been writing and replacing my lame excuses for completely justifiable (albeit false) explanations. For example: During this most recent hiatus, I tried desperately to get to a computer so that I could eke out a quick breakdown of Sariah’s most recent accomplishments. Unfortunately, I was locked in the solitary confinement unit (or: “little black box” as it was known to my fellow convicts) in a Federal Penitentary because I was framed for the murder of an influential Tibetan villager by a conglomerate of world leaders known as “The Conglomerate”. This super secret organization consists of: Michael Jackson, Bill Gates, Sarah Palin, Lindsay Lohan and Juan Valdez (yes, the selfsame Juan Valdez of Columbian Coffee fame). 

During my solitary lock-up I was, through Meditation, Yoga, Pilates, ab-crunches, and high speed blinking, able to focus my mind and distill my primary objectives down to two specific items. Namely, (1) get out of prison to clear my name and (2) write a post on the blog. I cannot reveal exactly how I escaped from the penitentary because i do not want to reveal my methods to those who are rightfully incarcerated, I’ll just say It was really cool and involved a horseshoe, three honey-wheat pretzel sticks and an unopened package of Sea Monkeys.

Now that I am out, the only way to clear my name is to infiltrate “the Conglomerate” by paddling a sea kayak out to the offshore yacht where they hold their super secret meetings. I cannot guarantee my safety because “The Conglomerate” has operatives everywhere. In fact, I found three of them in my couch cushions just the other day. So, reader, this is where you come in. If something happens to me, “The Conglomerate” must be stopped by going to their yacht which is located at the the following coordin-

***TRANSMISSION TERMINATED — CARRIER LOST***

(Was that too weird? I have an active imagination and I once I get started on a halfway decent lie, I have to let it keep growing. You know what they say, “Go big or go home”.  Maybe I should just go back to simply apologizing for not keeping up on the blog. It might be a little more bearable to read.)

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One comment

  1. So I guess that explains why I have been a single mother for the last two months.



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